If the two of you set up the relationship to only exist within Dom/sub parameters then what you are creating is a cage. In a real life and/or functioning full time relationship this type of construction causes problems. You are ‘forcing’ the existence of role or scene to occur at any time you are sharing the presence of each other. Initially this may seem to be exactly what you desire. You believe you require this totality of apparent commitment to the Dominant by the submissive. However, as you move forward with the relationship you begin to feel stressed. Identifying the source or cause of this stress may be difficult. The Dom may find his language becoming ‘constrained’ when speaking with your submissive. You may feel ‘tight’. You may look at the relationship and, for all intents and purposes, it is perfect, exactly as you have created it to be. So, why are you, the Dominant, feeling so trapped? You may find yourself exploring ‘new’ submissives, you may feel guilty, shamed, embarrassed and unhappy. You really like or love your submissive, what is happening?
One of the least visible aspects of a Dom/sub relationship is also something widely talked about but poorly understood. Exchange. Many people equate this to an exchange of power by the enforcement of roles (especially in scene). This exchange can be better understood as not an exchange of Power but an exchange of energy. By creating an artificial arena or environment, the ‘forced’ introduction of requirements, rules and boundaries for the submissive, the parties are also constructing the identical requirement, rules and boundaries for the Dominant. You become trapped within a performance role whenever you are with your submissive. Far from addressing your needs as a Dominant, the relationship now becomes an exercise in assumption of role regardless of where you, the Dominant are at the moment.
The submissive being submissive at all times when around you, also requires the Dominant to be Dominant at all times. This inevitably becomes a burden, stressing both mentally and physically. It can go to the extreme of driving the Dominant to ‘avoid’ their submissive. They may find it impossible to explain what is ‘wrong’ to their submissive because that submissive has ‘obeyed’ them to the letter. The flaw is within their perception of what a viable D/s relationship should be like, not in the submissive’s execution of the Dominant’s desire. How does a Dominant undo such a thing? This phenomenon is sometimes called Dom Drop. The requirement to sustain role at all times drains the Dominants energy reserves, when they exit the immediate proximity of their submissive they feel depleted and sometimes even physically ill.
There is another aspect. Many submissives ‘feed’ on the energy of the Dominant. A great submissive/Dominant relationship ‘passes’ or ‘exchanges’ energy. However, especially in new Dom’s and subs there tends to be a more focused need emanating from the submissive. The submissive wants to experience everything they have imagined inside of them. To bring this into fruition they launch themselves at the Dominant in full submissive regalia. Only too eager to trigger that Dominant response which feeds their needs. They are only too happy to call the dominant an honorific title, abase themselves and follow directions. They cling to these rules like leeches. To a large extent their submissive response forces or attempts to force the Dominant into Domming them. For those in casual relationships, occasional meetings, phone or cyber this type of incessant role playing may be viable. For those seeking real life or a more full time interaction this kind of relationship seldom works.
A submissive experiencing a Dominant in Dom Drop may experience a sudden withdrawal coupled with an unsubstantive reason for the detachment or withdrawal. The submissive may go into a panic or ‘frenzy’ bombarding that Dominant with gifts, cards, flowers, phone calls…etc. Each of these will compound the problem and make it worse, adding stress to the Dominant. These are demands for attention that the Dominant is simply unable to give at that time. That inability can be driven to the point of a complete severance of the relationship in order for the Dominant to ‘retain face’ or their internal image of themselves.
A new submissive should consider the act of alleviating the stresses of the Dominant as a priority in their life. Learning to be patient and await the natural waves of energy that all of us produce is something that makes more experienced submissives such a joy to be around. A submissive should seek to blend seamlessly into their Dominant’s life, sharing in that ‘excess’ of Dom energy when it is available and ‘feeding’ their Dominant with ease of spirit when that Dominant is low on energy.