BDSM Dungeon / Play Etiquette – Part 2

BDSM Dungeon / Play Etiquette - Part 2

This is Part 2 of BDSM Dungeon / Play Etiquette article. Part 1 read here. If you haven’t been to the club, establishment, or private house before, it is always wise to check the house rules. Ask the Dungeon Master or host on arrival or beforehand what is allowed and what isn’t. Don’t just arrive and pull out a chain saw and start it. Same applies of course to a gun. Check also the mode of dress, you may play in a checked flannel shirt, trackie pants and sneakers at home, this may not be considered the mode of dress the host wants at his or her party. Hosts may require some form of fetish dress, get a clear understanding of what that entails. It may be the inclusion of leather or latex combined with the classic black. In the case of a submissive it may be corsets, rubber, leather harness, pants, studded cockring, feathers, whatever or complete nudity. Ask so as you aren’t turned away at the door because what you are wearing is unsuitable.

For legal or insurance reasons fireplay, electrical, breath control, needles (sharps), cutting, suspension by ankles, even full nudity may be on the list of prohibited play items. Some parties have a rule regarding no sexual penetration. Others may have an area set aside specifically for play of that type. Lately most of the clubs, I have gone to, insist on condoms being wore even by long time partners. It is a sensible approach as it re-affirms the need for safe sexual practices. If you use a condom then dispose of it safely.

If it is in a private house which is located in the middle of suburbia ask if you can arrive in fetish dress or if provision has been made for people to change on arrival. Leading a naked submissive on a leash attached to a clit ring may startle the locals. Probably backing your human pony out of his or her float and mounting him or her in the driveway would have the same effect. If you are into canes, samurai swords, birch switches, pieces of 4 by 2, dressage whips, or anything else that has some length – invest in a tube, or cloth bag in which to house them. Carrying these openly in public in some countries and states is illegal. Same applies to an armful of floggers and whips. Carrying a whole lot of play equipment openly into someone’s house isn’t going to endear you to them.

Most play parties usually have a designated area or areas set aside for chat and socializing. These are specifically for that, to try and contain the noise in one area, and should be respected as such. Having someone give you head, or openly displaying the vagina or penis of your submissive in these areas infringes on the purpose of the space and you may just be told to take it elsewhere. I suppose it depends on just how pretty a vagina or penis your submissive has but someone choking or gagging on a cock can be distracting. Especially if they don’t swallow. Urinating on someone in the corner, even if they begged you, would be another no, no and defecating on the glassed top coffee table is certainly in the same category.

Don’t have loud conversations in the dungeon play area, or give a running commentary as to the stages of the play you are watching, or talk about the play you saw last night or last week, keep your opinions to yourself, even if you are an expert. Remember laughter can have a devastating effect on new and old players and a blindfolded, or bent over submissive has no way of telling whether you are laughing at him/her or between yourselves. It disturbs. Unsettles. Want to tell a joke do it outside. If asked to “take it elsewhere” do so immediately. Don’t do the “I have just as much right to be here as you speech”. If you aren’t playing you have no rights, after all this is the play space you are standing in.

People won’t mind you watching, in an open public play space, it can be quite exciting for both parties and often satisfies the kink of both. The watched and the watcher. Watching is also a great way to learn – give the people playing the courtesy of some “space”, never walk knowingly through a scene. It can be at times confusing as to just where these areas start and finish especially if the play space is full of scenes. If a Dominant or top is wielding a whip be aware of the arch of a whip. If you get hit it will be your own fault and in doing so you will probably ruin the scene or at the very least their headspace. The same applies to someone working close, a fisting, a cutting, piercing or sharps play, don’t peer over their shoulder. The people playing aren’t playing for your entertainment, you in fact, in most cases, don’t even exist for them – so resist ask questions. Approach the Dominant afterwards and comment on the play and politely ask what you were perhaps dying ask at the time. Most people if approached in the correct manner are only to happy to share information or techniques.

Don’t assume because people are playing publicly you have a right to join in. You don’t. If you are asked to join that is a totally different matter and then of course you have the right to say “thanks” or “no thanks”. If you choose to join don’t try to take the scene over. You are a guest. Never interrupt a scene to give advice or instruction, quite frankly the people playing couldn’t care less about your opinion at that time. You may well be a leading authority but unless you are the Dungeon Master, or your advice has been sought by the person playing, keep it to yourself. Find a tactful way of introducing the advice at a later time in private. If you are witnessing something you consider dangerous, or feel there is a risk to safety seek out the Dungeon Master and then abide by his or her decision.

At every large play party I have been to those wanting to play on equipment always outnumber the amount of equipment available. Be aware of this and limit your play to a reasonable time frame. Don’t hog a piece of equipment all night. This is particular true of slings. Bottoms and submissives love them, almost impossible to get them out of them. Always thought slings were too comfortable and they should be covered in studs or at the very least protruding nails. Leave the equipment in a safe and clean condition, hopefully as you found it. Most hosts make available a means of doing this. A mixture which can be sprayed on and wiped off. Ask the Dungeon master if it isn’t evident. Don’t forget sweat is a bodily fluid. If you are doing blood play, or wax, or your submissive is a known squirter, put down towels or a drop cloth or sheet of plastic, something to catch the excess. Dispose of any sharps in the sealed used sharps containers provided. If you are using house toys, don’t place them back in the rack or rehang them. Put them in the used toy baskets provided or surrender them at a collection point for cleansing or sterlizing. Don’t use toys or implements that have been used by others. If you need a particular piece of equipment ask the Dungeon Master if it is available. Pack your own toys away and don’t at a later stage in the evening use them on someone else without first cleaning them. Don’t place your toys or implements on the floor during play. I have often seen a dildo placed on the floor and then later re-inserted in a vagina. The responsibility for the safety and well being of the person you are playing with starts and ends with you.

If you are waiting to use equipment make sure the scene is finished before intruding, allow the parties the time to regain their composure, complete any ritual they may have for the end of play. Hugging is nice. The Top or Dominant will usually signal they are now finished.

Provide aftercare for the submissive, don’t just dump him or her and go off looking for the next play partner or victim. Quite often they are disorientated, vulnerable, have feelings of anxiety, feel exposed, embarrassed, guilty, emotionally overloaded and very touchy-feely, they can be high on endorphins, floating in subspace. Each submissive or bottom behaves differently in this situation. The type and depth of play often influences their reaction. Sometimes they cry with the release. They need to be settled, brought back to reality, kept warm, provided with a liquid, possibly food. Make sure their heart rate and breathing return to normal. If cuddling or hugging is too much for you, at least staying in your play partners presence is desirable. Have them sit with you, at your feet, fetch you drinks, stroke their hair. Good aftercare can sometimes make up for a bad or unsatisfying scene. It helps to avoid “subdrop” and it also allows the Dominant’s or Top’s headspace to clear.

If you make a mistake out of ignorance, apologize immediately, explain your lack of knowledge. All of us have been exactly where you are at this moment. It is incredibly hard as a new comer to attend a play party, especially on your own. But it doesn’t have to be. With an open honest approach you will get all support you need from those hosting. Concessions are made, or should be made for new people. I think an act of total thoughtless stupidity though, wouldn’t meet with the same understanding.

Quite often you will see play that may be upsetting. Play that is totally abhorrent to you. You may see play which is hard, over the edge, perhaps not what you consider sane. It is best to remember what you are seeing is consensual, you have no idea what the parties agreed upon. What you consider hard may be just a warm up to others and the borders of sanity can shift and quite often do. If something you are witnessing is upsetting, leave, move to another area. At most play parties there is something for everyone and every level. It is not up to you to make a judgment about another’s play. I tend to put it into a this category…I like…I don’t like – I’ll do….I won’t do. We all have different kinks and if you were to go to every play party in the world for the next 40 years you would never see them all. Thank God.

Part 1 read here

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