Revitalizing D/s Relationships

Revitalizing D/s Relationships

Revitalizing D/s Relationships? Have you ever wondered, once you have had something on the back burner for a long time, just how to get it back? I have, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about exactly this issue. I don’t say lost because in truth, D/s is never lost simply because it is a part of who we are, it just takes a back seat. It is this problem exactly that confronted both Master and myself.

We spent our first 8 months in depths of D/s that I didn’t know existed. It was beautiful, tender, loving and (pardon me for saying) orgasmic. So what happened that placed that beauty on a back burner? Our daughter had been having problems for some time. She was an extremely naughty and cruel child. By the time she went to school, I guess we had gotten to the end of our tethers with her. It was pointed out to me by a friend that there was definitely something wrong with our daughter. Most 5-year-old children aren’t sneaky, don’t steal and don’t go on paths of destruction that make Cyclone Tracey’s fallout look like a child’s playroom. Finally I got her in to see a doctor. She was diagnosed with ADHD not long after.

We also had a boarder, which made spontaneity a complete no no. So we were dealing with her issues and eventually the boarder who moved out but in the wake of the storm we had neglected our health and we started to get sick. At first I figured that we would get over the colds and stuff quickly but as luck would have it that wasn’t to be. I went down first. I started having trouble breathing and stuff and I ended up with bronchitis and later I was put on asthma medication. Then it started with Master. Severe stomach pains, bronchitis, His neck started acting up. It just seemed to keep going. To make matters more difficult, Master was working away for the most part and wasn’t sleeping. Then we had the death of a very close friend, which knocked us both completely out of the water and started our daughter (she knew and loved our friend too) misbehaving again. It just went on and on and on. For months.

Then one night we decided to play and everything was going beautifully, except, well, everything seemed so rushed and had been for a while. Time wasn’t taken by either of us. I guess we were too used to stealing moments when we could. I ended up in our special place. I say our place because Master and I have a mental and emotional connection that enables us to both be in that place. We also change it. He leaves things for me to find etc.

I digress. I got there and for the first time since Master and I found that place, I didn’t want to be there. It had changed. The window had been boarded up and the bed had gone. Only two changes but they were enough to bring me out, sobbing my heart out, and put me in a two-day depression. I felt numb and that is when we realized that we needed to do something about our D/s relationships because it was in trouble. Neither of us wanted it to be destroyed and it was definitely worth fighting for. So I went on a research hunt. I am actually pretty good at researching information on most subjects but the only reference material I could find about revitalizing relationships was to do with vanilla relationships. We have a (kinda) vanilla side and that bit was fine (other than the obvious problems with our daughter). That wasn’t the bit we needed help with. We needed help with our D/s lifestyle, D/s relationships. With no reference material forthcoming, we jumped in headlong and started to try and figure out a solution. It wasn’t easy. We got our new house and had to move so once again things were put on the back burner.

One thing you have to remember to do is talk. I think communication is the most important thing in any relationship, kinky or vanilla. Through lack of communication you find yourself doubting, wondering and stressing about why the relationship isn’t what it used to be. I will tell you why it isn’t. Because the honeymoon period is over and real life does exist. So what do you do about it?

I guess, depending on individual circumstances, the ways of dealing with these things are different for everyone and I can only say how we did it. Start off slow. Please don’t think that after weeks/months of not playing that you can jump head first into a really intense scene. It will fail. Start by sitting at His/Her feet, while you are watching television. Be yourself, don’t put on airs and graces that you cannot continue doing, this is reality, and reality sucks big time. If you can and do kneel for hours while watching television then go for it but in all honesty you are likely to hurt yourself. Make His/Her coffee when they walk in the door after work. Do special little things that you don’t normally do.

Your first scene after a long break should be one that is slow, fairly light and not too mentally taxing for either of you. You don’t want to remind each other how much hard work is involved in a scene. And it is hard work, both mentally and physically. The last thing you really want is for both of you to be reminded of that straight away. Make the scene gentle, loving, caring. Don’t let it become a limit pushing thing. The length of the scene is up to you but remember that your subby hasn’t been trussed up for a while and shoulders will ache, feet will get pins and needles and you will both be nervous.

Why nervous you ask? Well think back to the first scene you ever had with your partner. Remember the nervousness? This will be there again because it is like starting from the very beginning. A certain amount of fear may creep in. I am not talking about fear of one another; I am talking about lack of self-confidence. Can I take as much as I used to? Am I going to use the flogger’s right? Well for a start I wouldn’t recommend trying to take or give as much as you were before you stopped playing, mainly because your body has to readjust itself again and I can guarantee that the shoulders will squeal from overuse. As for using the floggers and other stuff correctly, in all honesty they are pretty much like riding a bike. You may be a bit wobbly at first but you never forget how to do it.

Discuss how rekindling your D/s side feels for both of you. Whether you are male or female, Dominant or submissive, you have feelings and you need to share them with your partner.

Another thing we did, and this was suggested to me when I brought the subject up on a mailing list, was to get away from it all. Go on a break for a weekend. Well we did that, we went to Melbourne and had a ball. We went to a BDSM club, a munch and basically that was about it. We didn’t play, well, not that anyone would have noticed anyway. We played mentally but for the most part we spent the weekend just being us and being in each other’s company. Master pulled the strings He knew I liked pulled and we arrived back in Adelaide exhausted but happy.

Getting back into the swing of a D/s relationship isn’t really much different than revitalizing a vanilla one. It won’t happen overnight, believe me. You become comfortable with the way things have become and getting out of that rut isn’t easy. But rest assured it can be done. Don’t forget that being 24/7 D/s isn’t about playing every night. It’s about being who you are all the time, whether that be while you have a delectable person bound and gagged or are making a coffee. Being who you are isn’t something you can just lose. Sure it could get a little sidetracked occasionally but it will always be there.

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